The Moment I Understood
From the moment I understood I wouldn’t look like my blonde blue-eyed dolls,
from the moment I understood that my appearance would always be questioned, exotified, tossed aside. I cried.
At 13, I remember possessing so much self-hate that I DARED to utter the words: “I wish I was white”.
Internalized racism was yet another language I spoke but somehow I never learnt to communicate my anger, my feelings.
“What are you?” They would ask me. As if I was some kind of ingredient in a melting pot??
“¡Soy humana, carajo!” I wanted to yell. Human. Was it such a hard concept to grasp?
Then again, colonialism robbed Indigenxs, Afro-Latinxs, people of colour of our humanity – we are just a commodity.
From the moment I understood what lateral violence was; cuando dañamos a nuestra gente en vez de ser unidos;
cuando me dicen: pareces bruja con ese pelo; cuando tratan de justificar que la vida así es – I revolted.
“How do you say your name? Aldeli. Come again? AL-DE-LI. You mean Al-deeh-ly?
Why don’t we find you a nickname?” Who the HELL fed you the entitlement to anglicize my parents’ ingenuity, my being, my only label? You can pronounce Volkswagen, you can call us by our names.
Our identities, my being is NOT about you or your comfort level.
From the moment I understood systemic oppression – I resisted.
“Do you speak Mexican?” No… “Where are you from?” I was born in Montréal and... “No, but like where are you REALLY from?”.
From the moment I realized that daily racial micro-aggressions were being justified as curiosity without addressing their oppressive nature – I retaliated. When the medical system trivialized my pain, I would seek las hierbas, los remedios y las recetas de mi familia y de generaciones atrás. When the educational system told me to focus on mainstream one-sided historically manipulated successes, me atreví buscar a quien me represente en vez de continuar a dar voces a los colonizadores.
No matter how much anyone or any systems would try to impose a single-answer not to mention incomplete drop-down menu to “select your identity”, I understood that the moment had come for me to regain the love I had lost for myself.
from the moment I understood that my appearance would always be questioned, exotified, tossed aside. I cried.
At 13, I remember possessing so much self-hate that I DARED to utter the words: “I wish I was white”.
Internalized racism was yet another language I spoke but somehow I never learnt to communicate my anger, my feelings.
“What are you?” They would ask me. As if I was some kind of ingredient in a melting pot??
“¡Soy humana, carajo!” I wanted to yell. Human. Was it such a hard concept to grasp?
Then again, colonialism robbed Indigenxs, Afro-Latinxs, people of colour of our humanity – we are just a commodity.
From the moment I understood what lateral violence was; cuando dañamos a nuestra gente en vez de ser unidos;
cuando me dicen: pareces bruja con ese pelo; cuando tratan de justificar que la vida así es – I revolted.
“How do you say your name? Aldeli. Come again? AL-DE-LI. You mean Al-deeh-ly?
Why don’t we find you a nickname?” Who the HELL fed you the entitlement to anglicize my parents’ ingenuity, my being, my only label? You can pronounce Volkswagen, you can call us by our names.
Our identities, my being is NOT about you or your comfort level.
From the moment I understood systemic oppression – I resisted.
“Do you speak Mexican?” No… “Where are you from?” I was born in Montréal and... “No, but like where are you REALLY from?”.
From the moment I realized that daily racial micro-aggressions were being justified as curiosity without addressing their oppressive nature – I retaliated. When the medical system trivialized my pain, I would seek las hierbas, los remedios y las recetas de mi familia y de generaciones atrás. When the educational system told me to focus on mainstream one-sided historically manipulated successes, me atreví buscar a quien me represente en vez de continuar a dar voces a los colonizadores.
No matter how much anyone or any systems would try to impose a single-answer not to mention incomplete drop-down menu to “select your identity”, I understood that the moment had come for me to regain the love I had lost for myself.